The Redacted Podcast
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The Redacted Podcast
Murdering Malachi: Part 7 - Eventually, Everything Caught Up
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"Murdering Malachi" is a special limited series by The Redacted Podcast, produced by Matt Bender and Pamela Bender.
In this deeply moving finale to the "Murdering Malachi" series, we catch up one more time with Malachi and explore his raw and poignant reflections as he navigates his harsh current realities of aging, lost dreams, and the struggle for survival. Through vivid storytelling, Malachi recounts his journey from moments of joy and success to the depths of despair and physical pain. He shares his experiences of homelessness, severe medical issues, and the kindness of strangers that have kept him going. This episode dives into the existential crisis of midlife, the loss of hope, and the relentless fight to find a sense of purpose and peace.
When we first started this series with Malachi, the idea of "Murdering Malachi" was more figurative than literal—shedding the person shaped by abuse, mental illness, poverty, and addiction. In the end, he's not really Malachi; he's just a man named Eric from Philadelphia. We've decided to start a GoFundMe for Eric with the goal of providing him with a used travel trailer and a place to stay for a year. If you've enjoyed listening to his story and would like to help, the link to the GoFundMe is below.
Help Malachi Rebuild His Life (Please note: This is specifically for Malachi's fundraiser - not a donation to the podcast - the link to donate to the show is below.)
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I mean, first off, how you been.
Speaker 2:Everything has collapsed. It's really a sense of guilt in me. You know why I've had too many blessings and who can. I can't really say I've done a whole lot with them. In the grand scheme of things, I haven't done much. The only thing I've really done, if at all, is shown that there can be kindness, caring and empathy in the depths of misery. So I wasn't always miserable. I mean, I've had my time when I was doing really well and all the women liked me had a few dollars in my pocket. Other than being short, men wanted to be me. I really was that guy for a minute, but eventually everything caught up. You think that?
Speaker 1:shifted at some point. Was there a palpable shift or was it?
Speaker 2:It was somewhat gradual. I think the main thing that happened was when I broke up with my last girlfriend. I was with her for like eight years, so when we broke up, a lot changed. Because one of the things I realized was that in that eight year span I went from, I think, 39 to 46 or something like that, and that youthfulness I mean 39 is not youthful or 38, but there was a certain youthfulness still there. There was a certain I could connect to the younger generation. I could still be considered the younger generation. I was 39, but I could still pass with 32, 31. And I could still live that life and people would look at me and still give me jobs that they give 20-year-olds because I'm that strong. People still had hope.
Speaker 2:I became old overnight and I started realizing that all of the dreams that I had, that I used as sort of carrots to get me through, were never going to come true. And the realization that they literally can't come true hit me hard. You know what's really the point. You know I'm not going to write the great American novel. I was a gifted writer. I was considered one of the best writers in America. I don't write anymore. I had scholarships or offers for wrestling. I didn't make it to college. I made the national team in Sambo. Never competed once. I was in the military, basically got kicked out twice actually.
Speaker 1:Why don't you write anymore?
Speaker 2:I keep telling myself I will. I was going to do autobiography but it was so, so complicated. It's just so much. Trying to compress one thing, like I started it and had like the first five pages and then I had this novel that I've had on my mind for years. If I survive which I don't know that I am, because, honestly, right now I'm at the very bottom Trail is gone, puck's probably going to be gone, I'm in a cat hoarder's house.
Speaker 1:You're in a cat hoarder's house. You're in a cat hoarder's house.
Speaker 2:I don't know if you remember that old lady I would help who was a hoarder. Yeah, I'm in a room in her house right now, so she took you in. Yeah.
Speaker 1:At least you're someplace safe.
Speaker 2:Yeah, craziness plus craziness is probably not a good idea. I've had to temper myself some because she does some things that I'm like well. I've also noticed that she's been incredibly patient with me as well, so it's like she doesn't have to have me here. You know, I give her some money, I buy her again. When I can, I do what little I can. But you know, it's not enough to have someone stay and she doesn't have to do that and she does it and I'm incredibly grateful.
Speaker 2:And I don't know if I'm going to be able to get my truck fixed or not. If I can get it fixed and if I can somehow avoid it being repossessed this month, then I can tell myself, I can climb back. I can tell myself if it doesn't get repossessed, if I make it through this payment, it doesn't get repossessed. If a miracle happens and I get to pay insurance and I get it fixed, then I can go out, not make money like I used to, but go out and do something. Go out and call before I run. I can do that. I can find a way to survive. I can find a way to make it back. I can make it back. I just don't know if I will. I honestly don't know if I will or if I don't want to, and the reason I know I can make it back is because God loves me for some reason and I know who I am. I know that, for whatever reason, I overcome until I don't. I overcome Until I don't. I guess right.
Speaker 1:From the Redacted Podcast. I'm Matt Bender and this is Murdering Malachi, episode 7, eventually, everything Caught Up, thought up. What makes old age so sad is not that our joy, but rather our hope ceases. That's a quote from a German author named Jean-Paul, who lived in the 16th and 17th century. What Malachi just described is a very understandable feeling, with many reaching that point in your life when your age catches up to you and the sudden realization that you're not that young anymore, the dreams you once had and always thought you had more time to accomplish now seem unattainable.
Speaker 1:You could almost call it a midlife crisis. I guess that's a tough period in life for a lot of people and we usually associate it with some 55-year-old guy going out and buying a new wardrobe and a sports car. But what happens when you find yourself at that age and with that same feeling and you have nothing? No 401k, no health insurance, no house, no family? To say that must be tough is kind of an understatement. So the last time we really interviewed was probably, yeah, two months ago, two and a half months ago. So you know what's been going on since then.
Speaker 2:So I don't know, just know I what's been going on since then? So I don't know. There's no, I was in the hospital. I think that happened afterwards, I think, yeah, I think that was three weeks ago.
Speaker 2:So I've had 15 surgeries in my life, all sorts of random stuff. I've had a broken back where they weren't sure I was going to walk again. I mean I mean I've, I've, I've lived life. I partied way too hard, I've worked way too hard. You know I've lived, but this recent and I had two surgeries last year for my wrist and my elbow from bad nerve damage. So you know I'm living, you know I'm living. But just recently I had the absolute worst experience. It's near the top of the list of worst medical experiences a man can go through. And before I tell you what it is, I've actually had nurses who were there and we talked about it and they were like wow, we can't use the given birth excuse on you. You know that whole man who never understand the pain of anything they're like. They're like, darn it, yeah, one man, we can't use that excuse on. So it was kind of a running joke with the nurses in the hospital that I cracked the code.
Speaker 1:You cheated the system.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I cheated the system, that's a good one. So if you are a male and I'm saying biologically identify whoever you want, that's your choice, but you need certain body parts. For this next comment, if you are biologically a male, we're going to do a trigger warning because you might need a chamomile tea or beer after hearing this. Oh God, oh yes, oh yes. Here's the story very quickly. I'm in a camper in florida, on the farm, and I'm starting to get infested with, like roaches and other little wood eating bugs. And you know, I started noticing like, yeah, this ain't good and I'll spray, but then they come back because you know they just go out into the grass and then come back later. I mean, I wasn't, I wasn't filthy, but you know things happen, especially when you're out in the woods. So me and me and stinkers um, she was, uh, tethered outside like a 30 foot leash safe. You know she gets to run around the grass and I left for the day. When I left, the day I did one of those raid bombs foggers Came back like 10 hours later and didn't think much of it, took my little outside shower. It's Florida Been a camper, you know, in the back of a farm, so basically alone. So I laid down naked on the bed Just cooling off. After a little while I started noticing we're going to refer to them as my ping pongs just cool and all. After a little while I started noticing and we're going to refer to them as my ping-pongs we can guess what part of the male genitalia that is. After a while, my ping-pongs started stinging. I was like what is that? And you know, being a dude who's had every pain known to man and damn near every injury, I just was like well, we'll see if it goes away. A few hours later it's like started to release. I'm like whoa, okay, okay, this ain't good. So then I'm like, well, we're definitely going to see something about this if this doesn't change. By the morning it's like seven, eight at night, maybe an hour or two later, it was on fire. It was like someone literally had an open flame for my ping pongs.
Speaker 2:I got in the car, barely drove I mean, it was just seeing me try to drive a car while avoiding touching my ping pongs or anything. I'm dressed. It was a nightmare. Got to the emergency room and at this point I couldn't sit down. I couldn't do anything. They just took me immediately to the back. I wasn't on the bed, I was on the floor and like this weird craning position with my legs wide open, so nothing's touching, nothing, for like five hours, like literally just clouched on the floor, not moving for like five hours. And they eventually gave me all these different MRIs and when they gave me a sonogram, oh dear God, oh dear God, I'm screaming because you know, they got to rub it with the oh Lord.
Speaker 2:They didn't know what was going on. Everybody was perplexed who is this guy in this horrific pain? And they ambulance came and took me to a bigger hospital, like the hospital for the area, like this is where you go when you're in trouble. And they took me in and same thing I'm, I'm on the floor, I think, for like eight hours, eight to ten hours in in crouching position. At this point my legs are going numb, you know. I mean like I'm just. This is like I'm, I'm just. Where are we going to go from here? What's happening? Try, being in a crouch position for like 10 hours straight, not, not fun. So they came in. They didn't know what was going on, so they're like we're just going to take you to surgery. We think maybe your testes are tied up. We don't know what's happening and I think by the time they were ready to take me to surgery, I was kind of able to lay down in this weird position because my legs couldn't hold me anymore and I found a way to lay down with one leg up, almost like I'm in a gynecologist stirrup, but unable to move at all.
Speaker 2:Like any movement at all, was just this horrific pain. Finally, the surgeon. They took me to surgery. The surgeon came back, and I think it was two of them. I've learned from experience anytime two doctors come into a room, you're in trouble. They always come as reinforcements if, if they've got some news to tell you. The doctor comes in and she says so um, this is what happened. I'm like, uh huh, we were about to perform a surgery about two. We were about to perform a surgery when we noticed the skin was falling off your ping pong right in front of us. Oh jeez.
Speaker 1:Oh shit.
Speaker 2:So we were trying to figure out what it was and no one could. I eventually thought back to the rope auger, it must have seeped into the linen which I did not cover, didn't even think about covering. I had a pure chemical burn on my ping-pongs and part of my penis where all the skin was gone. Now I don't know for people who are where all the skin was gone.
Speaker 1:Now, holy shit.
Speaker 2:I don't know for people who are unaware of this, I know it very well from my bones Cause I've had like eight skin graft surgeries to burns. I told you I've lifted Um. But when you have no skin that is completely open nerve endings On top of it, being on the ping pongs, which is the single most sensitive Well, we all know, just tap your man's ping pong is very likely to see how he reacts. Lord Jesus, I was what I call pain paralyzed. For like three days my upper body could move a little. I could not move. I just laid there my legs open. When they went to change or do anything, or when they can't even look at it, I was just screaming, screaming, and I'm a dude who has a high pain tolerance.
Speaker 2:Again, 16 surgeries, eight skin grafts. You know I've been through some things. I'm not your typical man where it's like baby, I've got a cold, I'm gonna die. You know I'm the guy that goes in the hospital and they're like did you know this is also broken? Oh, it is when I do that. You know I'm that guy. So for me to be screaming I mean screaming up and down they knew me. They had to come and be like can you stop screaming. Can you give me a new pair of nuts? You know, Right, you know I had become known in that hospital, I mean. So, yeah, they had me on morphine, oxycontin and some other one that starts with a D. I mean it was the single most pain I'd ever felt.
Speaker 2:I was laying there thinking to myself. I was like you know, praying to God, like just kill me now. I think a couple of points. I was like just kill me now. I'm good, I'm done, Just kill me now.
Speaker 2:And the other time that I was like I was trying to be more productive and I was like it can't last forever. You know, I just got no longer. So it can't last forever. You know it has, it will get better. And I just kept holding on to the thought of just get through it. It can't last forever. The thought of just get through it. It can't last forever, it's only temporary. It's only temporary. So, yeah, for the first three days I was late there, just a zombie it it kind of it healed actually pretty fast. I was only in there for like a week, um, and they were like you know, you can go, but it was weird, like I once I started healing because of the nature of who, like you know you can go. But it was weird, Like once I started healing because of the nature of up and kind of walk, which was a monumental task. But once I kind of was able to walk, it started healing faster and they're like well, you know you can go. Just, you know, take care of yourself, Be careful, Don't do anything, you know, continue resting for another week or two, anything you know, continue resting for another week or two.
Speaker 2:But once I got back, the crazy farmulator basically had evicted me while I was paralyzed in the hospital and I was able to make arrangements for someone to move my trailer to some veteran's yard. You know, I went to the place with him but it was trashed out. It needed to be cleaned and sanitized from whatever bug spray remnant was left. It was just a horrible, horrible ordeal. A local animal rescuer had taken stinkers while I was in the hospital, so stinkers were safe. But when I got out and I went back to the trailer I couldn't live in it. I did not have the physical ability to clean it or do anything. So I slept in my car for three days.
Speaker 2:At the end of that three days I was back in the emergency room. Same pain, same hospital, the whole rig of remote. And at first they were like, well, because it wasn't the same doctor, what's going on? Why are you hurting? They didn't know what was going on. It looked weird. And what's going on? You know why are you hurting? They didn't know what was going on. It looked weird. And then I think they somebody was like oh wait, we remember him. And they sent me back to the big hospital.
Speaker 2:Back to the big hospital, Same surgeon came in and I explained to her that, you know, I was not able, I was not in a position to do any, staying still, laying still, you know, like a normal human being laid down in a bed and watch TV, that I'm sleeping in a car, surviving. And basically what happened was that I caught an infection because it wasn't fully it was healed enough to go home, but it wasn't healed. So here I am with skin regrowing on my ping pongs and that skin is now swollen and infected. So, needless to say, it was massive pain again. So I'm in hospital for like another week and a half or something like that, and then finally I get released from the hospital and I'm unable to do anything.
Speaker 2:You know I'm I'm in my trailer for days I think I rest, roughly moved it somewhere and that was just sort of the catalyst for just the fall. It just went downhill from there. But that in and of itself, from all the hospital stays I've had, from all the multiple injuries I've had, from the self-inflicted wounds I've had, it's just that was absolute ninth or third circle of hell type of pain. I don't know that I wish that on my worst enemy, Like you'd have to do something to my daughter if I had one. You know what I mean Something bad for me to want to wish that kind of pain on any human being are you kind of healed up now?
Speaker 2:well, I'm healed, um, because that's what I do, it's still. It's still sort of wrong, like I've got to be aware which I'm a clean person anyway, but I've really got to be extra aware of, like, ok, it's a really hot day, let me take that, you know sour, let me take that extra thing, let me not wear something that's going to cause them to, you know, rub up against me, like I've just got to be aware that they are extra sensitive. Now, you know they're already, it's already an area like if you're a, you know, self-aware human being, it's your genitals. You already want to be. You know a lot of people don't. They're sure. But trust me, I know, um, you'd be surprised who doesn't take care of their generals? But a normal, healthy, self-aware human being is already sort of extra aware of their generals. But now I have to be extra, extra aware.
Speaker 2:But, all in all, um, it tells me it's more along the lines of just the uh, snowball effect it created on my life in general. Yeah, you know, being evicted by the crazy lady while someone's paralyzed in the hospital because your bipolar mental ass is telling you that they're stalking you. It was just craziness, you know. Like I said, her boyfriend, who was the actual landowner, told me that he hid all of his guns. So but it's a snowball effect. I just started losing everything I started.
Speaker 1:So you don't have your trailer anymore and you don't have the space to put it on, even if you did.
Speaker 2:No, the trailer got repossessed because I could no longer keep up with the payments. The jobs I used to get are not hiring me anymore. You know, no matter how bad life goes, I could always just go get hired by a moving company and, you know, make a few hundred or whatever. I could always go unload a cargo ship. I could always. You know, no matter how bad life got during the bad times, um, I knew my one saving grace is that I'm hercules, you know, and I could always go out.
Speaker 2:There are times I'd make some really good money just because they had a really, really strong guy who knew what he was doing, who wasn't just just strong but knew how to use it. You know, there are a couple of times I made like 50 bucks an hour because I would get like a job on state property or like government property just doing manual labor. But because I was trustworthy and strong, you know I could get those. I just got turned down for the first time in my life recently by a moving company and it's like they're right I think two of them did and I was like, oh shit, like that's my safety net. I guess you know, being 54, they're just like no, you know, you can look like Arnold Schwarzenegger, but you're 54. We're going to give this job to the 20 year old. You know what I mean?
Speaker 1:yeah well, and I mean then you're healing.
Speaker 2:Probably that's not the best to be doing while you're healing either, I'm sure oh no, the doctors told me I should not be doing that stuff for anyone getting sweaty lifting well, that, and remember I had two surgeries. So my uh, I had surgery on my elbow and my wrist last year, where I don't know if I told you this, but when I walked into the doctor's office, um, and I told them I had a, a cubidoo, uh, cubidoo, uh.
Speaker 2:Whatever it is, uh it was cubidoo tunnel yeah, cubidoo tunnel syndrome, uh, which is not a common thing. And they thought like, oh, you know you've read too many goop and I'm like no dude. So they gave me the test and they're like holy crap, you're right. Like no one even knows what this is, let alone knows they have it. But then he looked at me and was like but how do you not also know you have carpal tunnel syndrome in both wrists and you have a pinched nerve on both sides of your neck, like this?
Speaker 2:Our machine lit up like a Christmas. We didn't even know these lights lit up until we attached it to you. And so they're like first of all, how do you not know you have all this going on? And second of all, whatever you're doing, if you continue, you'll be crippled by 60. Like you. Just, we can't believe you're walking now. We can't believe you don't know that this much damage is going on. I'm like you know, I'm Generation X. It is what it is. I'm just an old toot who's lived life. But they made it plain that, yeah, well, you're not going to have much life to live, whatever it was you're doing.
Speaker 1:I think you can damage those nerves so badly that they just I think you can get paralysis or something from that Like in those limbs.
Speaker 2:Definitely my hand. Yeah, for like six months At, pins and needles in my hand for six months straight, 24 hours a day, I almost went insane. I literally it was like three o'clock in the morning. I can't sleep Cause my hand is good. My hand is being attacked by a thousand little pins. I it was just like you know, chinese water torture. One drop feels like nothing but a thousand for six months straight, ew, oh, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, it's just mentally draining too. Yeah, besides the pain, Like he could handle it for a little while, but that's a long time to have that.
Speaker 2:Non-stop. It's's like can you please just stop so. And they were like they with my nerve and the cubital tunnel syndrome for those who don't know, that's your funny bone nerve. And they said they didn't even know because when I opened up my arm they said they had never seen one that far over, like it goes up the side of the inside of your elbow. They said mine was almost on the other side of my arm. They said they didn't even know if they could fix it like they've never seen one that bad but it's good now.
Speaker 1:But you got to be careful with it and that's the miracle of being.
Speaker 2:You know people want to hear this now, but I'll say that's the miracle of a little bit of Jesus in my life.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:Is that no Huh?
Speaker 1:No, I just said yeah.
Speaker 2:Oh, I was like hold up now I don't know yeah.
Speaker 1:What's the miracle of Jesus in your life?
Speaker 2:I was like wait a minute, now we might have to have a fight on this one. I'm not standard christian, so don't put me in a category of those idiots.
Speaker 1:I'm just a follower of jesus, we're a whole different breed. I get it I get it.
Speaker 2:You know we, a lot of us followers of christ, don't exist anymore because we actually believe in love and kindness and not judging. We don't believe in, in, like supporting you, in. You know self-destructive or sinful ways like you're going to be a crackhead we still love you. You know self-destructive or sinful ways Like, yeah, go ahead and be a crackhead, we still love you. You know, go ahead and sleep with a thousand people at night and catch every disease on the man we still love you. No, but we're just like look, baby, we love you, but you might want to look at what you're doing. That's the kind you feel me.
Speaker 2:So, anywho, there are so many things that could have had me crippled for life already. So many things that could have had me, you know, walking like Igor, the fact that I'm basically a functioning man, the fact that I can still fight off a mugger and protect an old lady you know I might end up in hospital with two weeks now. You know I'm not going to recover too quick, but the fact that I can still protect the vulnerable, the fact that I can still walk upright, is nothing sort of a miracle. But there's also the reality that I roll the dice one too many times now it's all going to come crashing down. You know I lift up. The reality is, if I lift up one refrigerator now, that refrigerator might it? Just everything might pop. You know that nerve will break, that ligament will break. I've got a frozen knee syndrome, which means that everything in my knee is damaged, yeah, but it's not damaged bad enough that like I can't walk. But they're like everything the ACL, LCL, everything is a little damaged. So it's like Body's just falling apart yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but if you push it you're going to be in a wheelchair. So for someone whose life has been up and down penthouse to park bench, penthouse to park bench, and with my demons and with my issues and everything that's going on, I really I don't have a 401k. I could have prepared better for getting older, but surviving in and of itself was so hit and run for me. I mean surviving for almost anyone now is, I mean who saves for tomorrow in today's world it's a miracle, it's a blessing. But then you add all the stuff I got and it's like just the fact that I made it is a miracle. So, being prepared I'm not, and the way I survived was my body and I have taken this thing to the limits of medical science, yeah, so they literally don't know how I'm even just walking straight anymore. What I said, what's something?
Speaker 1:you can do that doesn't require your body or what. What, what's something? Where could you see yourself? What, what would what would a good future for you look like? You know not not moving. You know not work in manual labor. What does that look like?
Speaker 2:honestly, you know, I have to accept and I'm not mad at it, I'm not upset at the idea, it doesn't necessarily bother me, but a humble living. My one other skill, my one other thing beyond manual labor was my addiction counseling. But there are certain reasons that Florida is different from where I was certified, so I can't do that here, and that blew me out of the water. I was certified so I can't do that here, and that blew me out the water. I was like, oh, I could do that. I was like, damn it, what else am I going to get going? So for me, you know I could be an old dude working the shop. You know I could be that old cooter, you know, working that little wood shop shop. You know I could be that old cooter, you know, working that little wood shop somewhere. You know, small little, something simple to pay the bills and I'm fine with it.
Speaker 2:My main thing is my wants. At this point in life, I mean I've lived it. You know I've done the whole, been on stage for a bit, I've had the gorgeous girlfriends, I've lived some life. I've lived more life than most people, in some ways Worse life than a lot of people, but I've lived and I'm okay with the fact that I've lived. Right now, if I could just have some quiet, small, peaceful little corner to call my own, definitely a little bit away from the neighborhood life. I don't want to hear a poofy playing that music three o'clock in the morning. I mean, no one does, but especially me with PTSD and other issues.
Speaker 2:That's why I went to the farm, just, you know, like if I could get another camper that's actually mine and not one that's on ridiculous payments that just I may not be able to afford for a month or two and then it gets repossessed. You know, just something small that's mine where I could bring stinkers, maybe if there's, if I, you know, maybe if I have a space and means I could bring in, uh, another kitty or another rescue animal and I could be living, work on my photography. You know, maybe bring in, you know, build that I have a talent for it actually, which is surprising, people like my work. So, yeah, I've seen it, it's beautiful. Who knew?
Speaker 1:Yeah, you do beautiful work.
Speaker 2:Even the guy who actually taught me my first photography lesson just like six months ago saw one of my posts and was like holy crap, like how did you go from what I met you to this? I was like I don't know. He's like you know, I'm awestruck, and this is from like a professional photographer. So I just need to get stability so that I can actually grow in that and maybe, you know, make some art, get some creative escapism and also, you know, just create things for other people and bring some money in. I want to just have a nice quiet place where an encounter will be great, because the thing about me living is I cannot live for just myself. You know, even if I am old and beat up, you know, just me living for me is sort of kind of pointless. Like I don't really see the reason in it and it's not paying back all the people who helped me. Like yeah, you helped me all these years, so now I get to sit and watch the prices right all day. Like to me, that's so ungrateful, so selfish, you know. Hey, thank you God for saving me from that broken back that could have had me crippled for life. Thank you for saving me from those muggers. Thank you for when I was protecting those old ladies from that guy with the razor blade that he didn't cut my throat. Thank you for all that. Now I'm just going to sit and eat tapioca pudding all day and watch cat videos. Just incredibly, incredibly selfish, ungrateful and an empty existence.
Speaker 2:I want to be able to collect food donations and medical donations for senior citizens with pets. You know a lot of our seniors and you know I know this through Animal Rescue a lot of our seniors are forgotten. A lot of our seniors who have raised children, who have raised families, who have been loving wives or husbands, who, especially the men who work, you know 12-hour days for like the last 40 years and their thanks is to be left alone somewhere forgotten. All they have is a cat or a dog. That's their only source of love and they're splitting a can of tuna fish from their care package because they can't really afford cat food and this animal is the only thing keeping them alive. I want to be able to go and collect donations for them. I want to be able to help them say, hey, here's a couple of 30-pound bags of food, here's a case of calf food. I'll see you next month. You know what I mean. So I want to be able to go around and give back. I want to be able to feed the stray animals in the street that everyone's forgotten about.
Speaker 2:Some of them were just thrown out, a lot of them thrown out by people who think animals will just survive. Well, they're wild animals. No, they're not. They're not wild animals and this isn't the forest. You know. I mean this is, this isn't the forest. So you know I want to help the ones that are just forgotten, that are thrown, thrown out, that are barely surviving.
Speaker 2:So, you know, having just some small, simple space of my own where I can have my piece, where I can get back to my writing, because I just like and that's probably why I'm good at photography, because I used to be an excellent writer. I was really like chased after by some publishing companies, but then my madness took over and we all know where that got me. And you know, I want to be able to finally write something of substance, something extended, and maybe it will be something that can make something beautiful of the horrors I've seen. You know, I am an old man and right now I just I want peace, but I want to be able to give back. I have to. There's no other purpose in me surviving if I'm not saying thank you to the people who helped me survive this long by giving back to the world, in some way caring for those who have no one else to care for them. And it's also my way of apologizing for all the failures that I've had, for all the times I let my demons beat me, for all the times I asked my demons to beat me. Come on and take me on this drug run. Come on and take me on this psychotic run. Come on, and you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:I wasn't always the victim. I volunteered. I just I don't want to die in a place of nothingness. You know. When this old body finally gives out, I want to at least be able to say that for all the wrongs and all the failures, you know at least I said thank you, I said I'm sorry and I tried to make life a little bit easier for those who have no one else to do it for them. Even one such as I, who lived in as great of darkness as I, have to find salvation and kindness. Veganism and Jesus showed me that, that the greatest weapon we have against darkness is kindness, and it doesn't mean niceness. It means kindness. Niceness is often empty bullcrap. Kindness means actually doing something. For me, just trying to be kind is the only salvation there.
Speaker 1:Is he only saw race and errors. Maybe the journey of life isn't about necessarily becoming anything, but maybe it's more of an unbecoming of everything that isn't really us, so that we can be who we were meant to be in the first place. Maybe that thought can apply not only to Malachi, but to a lot of us. It's something we face as we get older, gain wisdom. The ego of who we thought we were or who we were supposed to be dies if we're lucky. Maybe we're not that hard-working, successful business person we thought we were, or the perfect mother or father. We're not the athlete or the golden child or the black sheep. We're not addicted to drugs, ruled by vices or as ugly as we were always telling ourselves we were. We're not the party animal or the prude, or the person who has everything together or the one who always messes everything up. We're not any of these things, and maybe we just need a chance, a little time and understanding to prove the world otherwise. When we first started this series with Malachi, the idea of murdering Malachi was more of a figurative than a literal title Someone who was trying to shed the person that abuse and mental illness, poverty and drug addiction made him think he was. In the end he's not really Malachi, he's just a man named Eric that grew up in Philadelphia in the 1970s. We've decided to start a GoFundMe for Eric with the goal of giving him an actual used travel trailer, something with a proper bathroom and a small kitchen and a place to put it. For a year we figured we'd try to raise about $30,000 and that could get it done.
Speaker 1:If you've enjoyed listening to a story and would like to help out, you can check out the show notes for a link to the page or visit TheRedactedPodcastcom. Thanks for listening. The Redacted Podcast is produced by myself, matt Bender, and my wife, pamela Bender. Make sure to go out there and give us a like, a share, share it with your friends, rate us. Every little bit helps. Thanks for tuning in. Thank you.
